10 years. A decade together. I can’t really even believe that I’m writing this right now, yet here we are. The last ten years haven’t been a breeze or a walk in the park, they haven’t been perfect (despite what you choose to see on social media), I won’t sit here and tell you that we never fought or had problems, but I will sit here and hand out some unsolicited advice as to how we’ve gotten this far and what we’ve learned from those difficult times.

1) Honesty and Communication

You’ve heard it from everyone and their mom, we wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t important. Dylan and I don’t lie to each other—no matter what. I won’t lie to you right now and say that we’ve never told each other a lie in the last ten years—we were teenagers when we started dating—but I will tell you that it didn’t take a long time to learn that honesty is just always the best policy. Knowing that the other will always tell the truth, no matter what, is special. Having that level of trust is special and something every relationship needs to survive. I’ve witnessed a lot of shitty relationships and the main problem with 99% is that they don’t trust each other.

Communication is a two way street, you have to be willing to tell the other how you’re feeling, what’s on your mind, etc. but you also have to be willing to listen and realize that you’re not always right, your feelings aren’t the only ones that matter here. Respect the other by listening to their wants, needs, and concerns.

The way you communicate also plays a huge part in this (this is actually something we’ve learned in the last two years). The way you talk to each other is important, your tone, your eye contact, your expressions, etc. Using I phrases instead of you phrases is huge, e.g. I feel like you’re not listening to what I’m saying, vs [a flat out accusation], you’re not listening to me.

In my opinion, and what’s worked for us over the last decade, there shouldn’t be anything off the table. You should be able to communicate openly and honestly about everything.

2) Beauty in the Mundane

You can’t constantly chase the next candlelit dinner, the next romantic evening, the next big gift, the weekend, etc. You have to learn to find the beauty (and fun) in everything. We are always having fun, always. Whether it’s sitting on the couch dying over a meme one of us found or racing around Aldi to see who can find the best box so we don’t have to buy any bags (really though, it’s Dylan trying to find a box and me trying to sneak things from the impulse aisle). Life is too freaking short to not enjoy every minute.

That being said, I’m not telling you that we don’t have bad days or days where it’s not fun, what I am telling you is that we are learning everyday to shift our mindset. To be grateful that we’re here, grateful that we have each other, grateful that dishes are in the sink because we just had a bomb ass meal, grateful that there’s dog hair everywhere because we have two best buddies.

I’m also not saying that dates aren’t important, dates are extremely important (I’ll be getting to that), I’m just saying that you don’t have to be on a date to have fun and enjoy each other’s company.

3) “I promise to never stop dating you”

If you've seen our wedding vow video, you know that this was the last thing Dylan promised me. Never ever stop dating. I don’t care if you’ve been together for a year or fifty, date nights are important as hell. We try to have a date night once a month, but it doesn’t always happen. Our dates typically consist of getting all dressed up (we love getting dressed up) and going to dinner at a nice place, sometimes we see a movie. That’s it. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, it just has to be what you enjoy, that’s what we enjoy. Set yourself dating boundaries too, a big one for us is phones, we either eliminate or limit phone time. I’ve heard a lot of couples with kids say that they make it a point to not talk about their kids when they’re on dates. Whatever you want your boundaries to be make sure you communicate them. The focus is to be completely present with each other and reconnect.

Before you tell me you don’t have time to date, think long and hard about how much you value your relationship, your significant other, and your commitment. You make time for the things that are important, regardless of what’s going on in your life.

4) Travel Together

This is the number one topic I’m asked about. “How do you afford to travel?” “How do you find time to travel?” I didn’t have a glamorous job when we started traveling, I was a bartender (and I never got 40 hours a week), so believe me when I say you can travel. I share a ton of information on how to be thrifty when traveling on my Instagram (specifically this post) and I actually have a blog post on it too, so I won’t go super in-depth on how to be a thrifty traveler, I don’t want to get too off subject here. One thing we don’t have, though, that a lot of couples typically do by our age is kids, so we don’t have those kind of expenses in our life (hopefully someday though).

A few tips:

• Credit card points are an amazing way to save extra cash for trips, but never rack them up, you should always be able to pay them off in full (otherwise you need to cut them up)

• Saving $10,000 a year only takes $27.40 a day

• Airbnb is life

• Learn public transportation

• Constantly watch flights

We made a deal a long time ago that Dylan pays for home improvements and I pay for vacations, paying for the both of us all by myself made me really research ways to make it work, if you have more questions about this that my Instagram or blog posts don’t cover, leave a comment here, shoot me an email, or contact me on the gram!

Back on track here, there’s a saying, something along the lines of, “you’re not a tree, you weren’t made to stay in one place,” that we take to heart. Studies have shown that those who spend money on experiences vs material things are happier, more open minded, learn faster, etc. The world is a great big beautiful place that is meant to be explored. When it comes to your relationship there’s so much that traveling can teach you. You’ll never learn more about someone than when you’re on the airport floor, exhausted and starving (but nothing’s open because it’s 2am), after your flight’s been delayed for over 12 hours, or when you’ve just finished a romantic sunset dinner with a view of The Colosseum when it starts to completely down pour on you while you’re WALKING back to your Airbnb with no cab in sight, or when you’re driving on the wrong side of the road and have almost crashed three times, or when you can’t figure out the bus system so you have to walk 2 miles to town every single day.

The importance [we’ve found] of experiencing new places and cultures together is something I can’t really put into words and I’m actually really sorry for that because you kinda just have to trust me on this one, the only thing I can tell you is that you need to do it. Find an adventure buddy and go. Make memories, learn to laugh instead of getting stressed, have stories to tell, not things to show (then tell me the stories).

5) Never Settle

Another thing you’ve probably heard from everyone else in your life, again because it’s true, and it goes for everything in your life. I don’t know about you, but Dylan and I weren’t born just to pay bills and die. We weren’t born to marry just anyone and pop out a few kids because that’s the norm. We weren’t born to build up someone else’s dreams while ours take a back seat. We aren’t settling for any of that. If you don’t like your job start actively looking for a new one and when you find one GO GET IT. If you’re sick of living paycheck to paycheck ask for a raise or add another source of income. Keep getting passed over for that promotion? Find a company that values you. If someone treats you like shit, leave them. Whatever it is that you’re settling for, you need to stop.

Stop making excuses like “everyone hates their job” or “they’re family, so I need to accept their behavior,” and “he’s the only guy that’ll love me.” Please, stop lying to yourself. This isn’t the way it has to be. There’s no secret sauce that we’ve discovered, there’s nothing special about us, we aren’t any different from you, we just made stopped making excuses and made the choice not to settle.

The hard part about his, though, is that sometimes the person telling you that you have to settle is your significant other. Sometimes you have to show them that you were made for more. I didn’t let Dylan tell me that we had to settle for either traveling or becoming home owners—and he’s the master (MASTER) budgeter in this relationship. Instead of believing him and his crazy smart money strategies, I straight up told him that’s not true. I didn’t accept it. Now look, we’ve traveled to six countries and bought two houses (and got married) in the last three years. You have the same power to make the same choice, don’t let anyone—including yourself—tell you differently.

We’ve worked (and are still working) really hard to build a life that we want, not a life that we’ve settled for. You deserve the same thing.

6) Money

It’s taboo and we’re not supposed to talk about it, but I’m gonna talk about it. Money is a big thing, it’s one of the leading causes of divorce for God sakes, we gotta talk about it. I won’t tell you that you should or shouldn’t have a joint account or how you should split your bills, that’s for your personal decision. If you’re curious about us, we have joint checking accounts, a joint savings, and our own personal savings accounts. I’m just gonna tell you that you have to talk about it. Fortunately, we haven’t had a lot of spending issues, but if you do or if your significant other does, you have to find a way to address it. It might not be easy in the beginning, but learn to communicate honestly and openly, learn to budget together, and learn to set and chase goals together. I promise it’s worth it.

7) Take Pictures

You probably think that because I’m a photographer I have to say this—I don’t—because I’m a photographer I get why it’s so important. At the risk of sounding a little negative—you never know if you have another moment to spend with the people you love, you never know if that quick selfie will be the last memory you have with someone—photos are your legacy, the proof of your existence, you’re small space on the world’s timeline. They’re for you, now, but later they’ll be for your kids, your family, and your friends. Nobody cares if you’re carrying some extra pounds, if your makeup isn’t done, or if you’re in your pajamas, all they’ll want once you’re gone is you. Get in the frame and document your life. You don’t realize how important photos are until they’re all that you have left.

8) Comparison and Social Media

In today’s day and age social media is everything. We see perfect people doing perfect things with their perfect lives and suddenly we’re caught up in a [fake] reality we feel we can’t compete with, suddenly we’re not good enough at anything in our lives. But look, as someone who uses social media for more than just a personal journal, I’m here to let you know that—even when you try to be transparent on the internet—only 5% of your real life is put out there, and 4% of it is a highlight reel.

You can’t compare all of your goods and bads just to someone else’s goods. Believe me, I’m a type 4 on the enneagram, I know how hard it is to not compare your life especially when you’re exposed to so many other people’s lives, but you have to be able to sit back and remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story. No matter how transparent someone is on the internet, you’re not walking the day to day with them every second of their life, you don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

I want to be the change. I want all of us to be the change. Most of this social media perfection doesn’t root in wanting to fool everyone into thinking that we have perfect lives, it roots in everyone shaming us for expressing emotion other than happiness and joy. I’m not saying air out all of your dirty laundry on Facebook (please don’t), but I am saying that you don’t have to lie, I’m saying that your not so happy feelings aren’t always dirty laundry. It’s okay to talk about addiction, mental illness, body positivity, real life and whatever’s going on in it. Don’t let someone tell you that you can only show up on the internet as a happy bubbly person who brings joy to everyone around them, you don’t. Let’s change that belief for us and all of the generations to come, please.

9) GrIef

If you’re in this for the long haul, at some point in time you’ll experience grief together. It’s not fun and it comes out of nowhere, it’s not something you can prepare for, it’s probably not even something people know how the handle, and everyone handles it differently. This is why communication is so important, why honesty matters, because when you face this you’ll need it.
My biggest piece of advice for dealing with this is to just be there. People will usually take their grief out on those closest to them, deal with it. Take it. They can’t be mad at someone for dying, but they’re mad, so they have to be mad at you. They need you to take it. I’m not saying that you have to take being treated like shit, there’s a line and when you come to it you’ll know. Just be there.

10) Commitment

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that “love isn’t a feeling, it’s a commitment,” I don’t believe that for a single moment. Love is a feeling. You can’t just choose a human and decide “this is who I’m going to love,” because you’re committed. Feelings aren’t all it takes to make it work, though. You have to commit. Commit to being honest with each other, commit to having the date nights, commit to keeping open lines of communication, commit to spicing things up, commit to living the life you want, commit to being faithful, commit to taking those important photos, commit. So many relationships fail because they think that because they love each other they don’t have to do anymore work—they’re wrong. Relationships take work and they take commitment. None of this works if you can’t commit to making it work.