2017

2017: a year in review. 

I'm not going to sugarcoat this blog post. I won't sit here and tell you how amazing my life is and how awesome 2017 was to me. To be honest, 2017 sucked. I battled a lot of things I didn't think I would have to deal with in my lifetime this year.

Depression doesn't have a face. It doesn't always look like a ball on the floor struggling to make it through the day. Sometimes it's having more fun than you have in a long time but still feeling sad and alone. It's singing as loud as you can along with your favorite song in the car and bursting into tears with no rhyme or reason, hoping nobody else will notice. It's cooking dinner and having a complete mental breakdown when you flip the fish and a part of it breaks off. It's sleeping more in the last year than probably in your entire life because it's the only thing you feel like doing. It's staring at yourself in the mirror wondering how the hell you got here and how you're supposed to get out. It's not just a ball on the floor.

2017 held more heartache and pain than accomplishments and joy. From the transmission going out in my car and spending a large portion of my wedding money on fixing it, to work being slow for both Dylan and I right in the midst of house hunting and wedding planning, and everything in between. Every single time things seem like they're turning around we got bad news. Every.Damn.Time.

I spent a good portion of summer seeing (and paying for) a doctor to find out absolutely nothing, then I lost insurance anyways so the research ended. My photography business was nowhere near where I wanted it to be in 2017, and it was my own damn fault. I didn't pour my soul into it like I had in the past, I just couldn't, I couldn't find the energy to even want to do anything. I didn't advertise, I didn't shoot, I did nothing with it. I didn't even keep up to date with blogging any sessions I actually did do. And you know what? That made me even more upset.

Then you know what I did? I started a personal blog, I wanted a reason to continue to do photography if I couldn't do it on a professional level. I wanted an outlet to talk about what I was going through and to share my life in hopes that it could help at least one person. Aaaand how long did that last? A month, maybe. When I say I had no motivation or drive to do anything, I mean I had no motivation or drive to do anything.

Depression doesn't have a face.

Maybe this year of battling depression was what I needed, maybe it was intended to serve a greater purpose. Maybe that sounds stupid. I don't know. I do know, however, that I've never talked to God more in my life than I did this year, I've never been to church more in my adult life than I did this year, I've never spent more time trying to appreciate the small things and trying to convince myself that little victories are still victories than I did this year. 

2018 will be better. Not because I won't still battle depression (I'd like to hope I can kick it this year but let's face it, it's not just a switch you can flip), but because I'll be able to talk about it. I'll take control of what I can take control of in my life and stop letting it win. I'm choosing to talk to God more, and to build a better relationship with him. I'm choosing to go to church on a more regular basis to surround myself with a community that shares the same values and beliefs that I do. I'm choosing to invest more money and more time into my photography business, because it's what I want. I'm choosing to ask for help and to try harder, because that's all I can do. That's all I can promise myself, and if depression wins again, I'll choose to keep fighting.